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Look out, Ladies! I’m going to drop the “F” word on you big time. No, not THE F WORD. I did not even know what that word meant until I was maybe 15. That was back in the day when bellybuttons were never shown in advertisements. Now, THE F WORD is freely spoken and printed (I hate it) and bellybuttons? No big deal.
Forgiveness is the “F” word I’m expounding and espousing and extolling on big time in this blog.
You could blame this scorching commentary on Tina Turner. After all, she said in a recent AARP “Upfront/What I Know Now” article,“…..so forgiving people for the wrongs they’ve committed is not the same as excusing their actions. Forgiveness is more about cutting the chains of negativity from whatever has caused us pain.”
I remember seeing Ike and Tina in the mid-70s. Their show radiated intense energy. I had no idea about the acute spousal abuse Tina was experiencing. (They divorced a year or so later)
Also, you could blame this scorching commentary on a lady I heard speak at a meeting more than 20 years ago. I remember her distinctly talking about how people in various cultural and religious organizations throughout history believed because autumn was a time of transition, they should review their lives, access what needed to change, and honor the dead. As a result, special days commemorate this time, such as the Jewish High Holidays, the Christian All Souls and All Saints Days, the Celtics Samhain, and the Navajo Nation Ghaaji.
Ironically, the subject of that meeting was “forgiveness.”
The speaker read something to the effect: You don’t need to forgive if you never judge. Those words angered me. All I could think about were atrocities such as child abuse, murder, racial injustice, and the holocaust. I remembered personal incidents as well that had seared my soul.
Since that meeting, I have taken time in the fall for a personal retreat. I think about my life, what I would like to change in my habits, setting goals for the next year, and people who have passed recently.
This year I decided to focus on that “F” word, forgiveness, in light of Tina Tuner’s quote,“…..so forgiving people for the wrongs they’ve committed is not the same as excusing their actions. Forgiveness is more about cutting the chains of negativity from whatever has caused us pain.”
I am tired of old resentments that I have held for years. I have tried all sorts of things to get rid of them. So during my retreat, I wrote them down in my journal, and I came up with the 12 big ones that I was most sick and tired of. There they were—in black and white and in all their glory. It was enlightening to see “The Big12” I wanted to be done with. I wanted to be over all the pain they had caused me.
“Yes! Cut these chains that have brought you so much pain, I said out loud to myself. But, oh, Elizabeth, you know better than that you can’t get rid of them. You’ve tried for years and years.”
I remembered what I had read in Norman Vincent Peale’s book, The Power of Positive Thinking. Basically, he suggested, imagine getting in a boat each night and throwing each of your troubles overboard. A Colorado native, I have not been in many boats in my life. So I thought about throwing my resentments in my compost pile! That visualization gave me a great deal of relief—what a wonderful place to throw this stinking trash.
For over 50 years, I have been an organic gardener. I love compost piles because you take a waste, mainly vegetable scraps, manure, and dirt, and add a little water. Now and then, to mix this mishmash, you turn it over. In a short period, this mixture turns into magical soil enrichment.
On a sunny day in late October or early November, after the first frost, I empty my compost bin and dump it into all of my vegetable gardens, which are tired after a productive year. My gardens look very well cared for during the winter, nice and neat. I do the same thing in early spring with the compost I made over the winter. My crops are bountiful.
So that’s what I’m doing now. If one of those little buggers on my list shows itself in my mind, I figuratively grab it and throw it in the compost pile. I’ve had great success with this technique and wanted to share it with you.
I’ve come to realize that the actions of these people listed on “My Top 12” were despicable. I do not forgive their behavior, but I dismiss all the pain I am holding onto with these memories. As a nod to this sacred time of year, I wish each person peace. My life is better now.
Copyright – Elizabeth J. Wheeler, October 4, 2021
2 Comments
October 8, 2021 at 9:31 pm
Forgiveness is such a big issue for us, because we’re told to forgive, but not how to do it. When I was a much younger woman, I encountered a book called Love is Letting Go of Fear. It was the first book I read that had actual steps on how to forgive! (I know it’s here somewhere….) You may have heard of Thich Nhat Hanh, who has written several books about letting go of, or accepting the reality of, things that have offended or hurt us. He is very experienced, since he was a Buddhist monk during the Vietnam War, because he didn’t care about the politics of the people he tried to help. I feel a lot of peace reading his books, as well.
Your compost analogy is very apt! Thanks for your thoughts.
November 2, 2021 at 12:16 pm
So true, Pam! Tina’s book really helped me.