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In October, for many years, I would take myself on a personal retreat. I would go someplace in Colorado’s mountains and just be. The falling autumn leaves calmed me and helped me reflect on the year.
For most of my life, I had a hectic, stressful career, and a family I tried to hold together despite the lost hopes and broken dreams associated with my former husband’s disease.
In the early 1990s, I had the privilege of spending a long weekend at a friend’s “cabin” in Wyoming. Each year she invited seven of her friends, all dynamic independent creative women, to join her. My friend passed away two weeks ago, and three of us, who had spent this time with her in Wyoming, reminiscence how special our time together at her cabin was and acknowledged our sadness of her passing and two of the others who had been in the group.
On one of those trips, my friend Linda Rose, then an advertising agency executive, told me about Stephen Covey’s “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.” She described his goal-setting approach to life. I remember knowing that was exactly what I needed because I was so lost and alone, having recently divorced.
I got the book and immediately learned the key to achieving success was to align yourself with principles based on my moral values. From there, you can develop personal goals. For me, it was just like doing a marketing plan for business: Once you have your goals, you do research, come up with strategies and tactics to attain them, and then yearly evaluate what happened. So every year, I have taken myself on a personal retreat in October. After looking at my performance for the past year, I review my moral values to see if they are still accurate. Next I would write my plan for the coming year. (In all of the years I have done this my moral values have never changed.)
But, it is October now, and −frankly−I don’t feel like going on my retreat. Maybe this is because I have spent much time alone due to Covid. More importantly, I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted by the political environment that I have done my best not to let affect me. I think I will probably go on my retreat after the election in November.
What I am feeling is pure and simple grief and loss: from all the protests and shootings and deaths and natural disasters and climate change; from only seeing my grandchildren once this year; from not seeing and being with all my friends who enjoy the activities I so love –pickleball, knitting, yoga, movies; from seeing my beloved Airedale Bonnie Buttercup decline in her advanced years.
Forcing myself not to acknowledge grief has never worked for me. Those darn feelings always came out one way or another and caused me pain and embarrassment. So, I’ve learned to sit with the “yucky” feelings, talk about them with special friends, take long walks, cook comforting food, go to bed early, and be a little kinder to others and myself.
Besides doing that, what has helped me greatly is remembering that “this too will pass,” and the grief will add to the richness of my future life, kind of like how my rotting compost now will enrich the garden earth next spring.
Copyright – Elizabeth J. Wheeler, October 12, 2020
2 Comments
October 14, 2020 at 3:54 am
Elizabeth, you have expressed so well what so many of us feel.
You have also had additional personal loses this year and I am so sorry.
I like the ways you are coping as those work for me also.
Take care, Sandra
December 10, 2020 at 1:32 pm
Oh, Sandra – I am sorry it has taken me so long to reply. Loss seems to accelerate at this stage of life and the current insanity. But experiencing it doesn’t seem to get any easier with all this practice! I bet you recognized the house on the cover of my latest book. I wish I was out walking Bonnie in the ‘hood and ran into you and had a great chat! Merry Christmas, my friend.