Ladies of a Certain Age ~ for those invisible powerful, dynamic, vital women

“Will I have a purpose?”

What an ironic title for this my 100^th ladies-of-a-certain-age blog, I have written since its inception in January, 2013.

 Heck, yes, is the answer! That is the reason I started writing so many years ago this monthly missive, a blog for those invisible, powerful dynamic women – ladies-of-a-certain-age.

And, I would add, our purpose is more important than ever.  The world needs us: bright, intelligent, wise women.  We know the hypocrisy of marketers, particularly those selling beauty products and pharmaceuticals, who have grinded into the very soul of this country that older women have no value with their gray hair and wrinkles and baggy skin.  Well – as I say to my grandsons – “I got news for you Buddy Boy!”  We are priceless, pure gold and have much to contribute still in this world.

So, the last chapter of my upcoming book, “Paths – A Primer for Ladies-of-a-Certain Age,” deals with finding a purpose for the latter third of life.  Since we have been so busy raising kids, being an active grandmother, volunteering in the community, and sweating and grinding away at our professional lives, it can be a real shock when those activities end, either abruptly or gradually.  We might dream of sleeping until 10, playing golf or doing whatever our passion is seven days a week, and traveling hither and yon – and we might do all those things – but sooner or later – at least for most women – we wake up one morning and ask as the poet Mary Oliver so elegantly inquires, “What is it you plan to do with this one wild and precious life?”

I decided to write the book because it occurred to me it might be helpful for women, just starting to recognize themselves as older, if I wrote a simple workbook, a primer as school books used to be called, about this time of life.  Also, since I have gotten stuck many times on the path of a lady-of-a-certain-age, I thought it could be beneficial for others to review this material in an attempt to find the way again. Each chapter includes a resource section, suggested “homework” or exercises, and blogs I have written on each subject.  It will be available this autumn.

This July 2020 blog will give you a taste of the main considerations of finding purpose in the later third of life.  These include:

1. It’s Your Choice – As Always

2. Rejuvenation or Stagnation

3. What Should We Do

4. Find Your Heroes

1. It’s Your Choice – As Always

First and foremost, it is your choice and only yours what you want to do with your life.  My purpose is to write about the topic of ladies-of-a-certain-age in a society that has ignored us.  I present you with ideas based on research or personal experience.  You get to decide if any of what I write is relevant or useful for you.  I have stated from that very first blog I wrote that I did not like becoming invisible after a certain age, call it arrogant if you want, but I think who I was up to that point and what I had done mattered even if I was becoming wrinkled and gray haired.  I would be honored if you called me a feminist, but that is not what I set out to do. Fifty years ago, I was too busy having children, being a “corporate wife,” and going to graduate school  to engage in anything to promote women’s rights.   I just wanted to do certain things, even though back in the 1970s those jobs would have been listed in the “Help Wanted – Men” section of the Sunday paper.  Frankly, I never burned my bra and did not start marching until a couple of years ago when the thought of putting kids in cages was just so repugnant to me nor did I like – once, again – how woman were being treated that I joined in the Women’s March and many demonstrations since then. 

So, if your choice is to go down the traditional path of an older woman in America that’s your right. 

What I can say, is I believe our country needs older woman more than ever before.  When I reached a certain age, I just couldn’t “put on my house dress and thick heels,” or “my baggy sweats,” the more updated wardrobe of older woman today and watch television all day and night.  There is much unfinished business from the 1970s, even though our daughters, including both of mine, have reaped the benefits of those times.  I think more than ever before we need to work together, whether we are 12, like my granddaughter, or 48, like her mom, or 73, like me, or my hiking buddy, soon to turn 80. Of course, men – I’d say mostly older and white – are pushing back.  After all, our behavior now is not what they are accustomed to, and we just might do the job more effectively and efficiently, and – hopefully, some day – at the same amount of pay.

Susan Douglas, author of In our Prime: How Older Women are Reinventing the Road Ahead, said it much better than I did. “Coming of age means we can refuse to be confined to the kindly docile feathered grab we’re supposed to roost in.”

2. Rejuvenation or Stagnation

During the latter third of our lives, we have a superb prospect to explore all sorts of things.  In fact, Elinor Miller Greenberg and Fay Wadsworth Whitney captured its essence in the title of their book, A Time of Our Own In Celebration of Women Over Sixty. The book explores the multitude of opportunities for this time of life.

Not constrained by many of the traditional responsibilities of younger women, ladies-of-a-certain –age now can investigate the fun things they always wanted to try.  Greenberg and Whitney caution against stagnation and isolation.  One of the remedies for this is the phrase I have heard Elinor use many times, “Just say yes.”  Because as a generation, we were not encouraged to try new things to go “beyond the pale,” if you will, this is not always easy or comfortable to do.  The proverbial bucket list can be helpful because the items on it are so exciting and so enticing they help us reach beyond our comfort zone to get them. It is possible to change our mindset at this age.

Knowing or recognizing other older women who have done interesting things, is helpful.  I often think of my mother-in-law who suddenly became a widow in her early 70s.  She told me, “After Pa died, I quit dying my hair and making him homemade bread every week.”  She gathered around her a group of friends – both older and younger – and had a great time for the next 20-plus years.  She died close to her 100^th birthday.  She was an inspiration to me and my daughters and everyone who came in contact with her.  She showed us how to live and enjoy life. Now, that’s a good purpose if ever there was one.

3.  What Should We Do

I’m pretty sure that my mother-in-law, who lived in a small Minnesota town and had an eighth-grade education, did not come up with a 7-point plan to find out the purpose of her life in her older years.  Recently, my 50-year-old daughter when the topic of strong women came up said, “Yeah, Grandma could kick ass, too.”  She showed us not only how to enjoy life, but also how not to be negated by anyone, particularly by men since she lost her mother at age four.   She just knew how to do it from standing up for herself her whole entire life.  She was one of 12 children and left home at the age of 14.

It would be nice if we could go to Harry Potter’s school, Hogwarts, and attend the sorting ceremony, shortly after entering this period of our life.  We would just sit on a stool and a big hat would hover over us and proclaim what we would do.

Oh, you may not think I’m pretty,

But don’t judge on what you see,

I’ll eat myself if you can find

A smarter hat then me.

You can keep our bowlers black,

Your top hats sleek and tall,

For I’m the Hogwarts Sorting Hat

And I can cap them all.

There’s nothing hidden in our head

The sorting Hat can’t see,

So try me on and I will tell you

Where you ought to be.

In my own life, I have found The Artist Way by Julia Cameron to be most helpful.  Recently, she came out with a book just for this time of life called It’s Never Too Late to Begin Again.  I don’t know how many times I have gone through her book.  The 12-week course is rigorous. But, each time I have discovered new things about myself and the next path to take.  Also, I have found it very beneficial in the fall to take a personal retreat and review my goals as outlined by Stephen Covey in 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. My all-time favorite author, oneI read every day, is Melody Beattie.  I particularly find her book, More of the Language to Letting Go, helpful.  I love how she uses and defines the term “the void,” a period when you just don’t know what to do.  She describes how “the void” is the most creative space there is. 

4. Find your heroes

I bet you if you took out a pencil and paper right now you could easily list 5 older women who you admire greatly.  Several years ago, I wrote a blog entitled “Admired-Ladies-of-a-Certain-Age” because older men – from Colorado pioneers to current politicians – often are awarded accolades and some have streets named after them; but, when was the last time you saw or read about the accomplishments of ladies-of-a-certain-age or drove down a road honoring one of these women? Not only was it an honor but an inspiration to write about each of these 10 women. 

You know the old sports adage, “Play with someone better than you if you want to improve,” is so true.

A hero’s list can be very beneficial when you think you don’t matter. You can keep your list on your phone or on your refrigerator and look at it when you are down.  Just remember when you are feeling old and wrinkled that you can have a huge impact of someone’s life.  Yes, you, too , can encourage another woman that she is valuable and a real star.

Here are five women I just thought of now:

1. Anna Marie, a retired hair stylist, who sought the help of Al-Anon to deal with her divorce. She helped many, many women who trotted down a similar path, and she became an award-winning water colorist.  (Anna Marie passed away this year.)

2.  Marilyn, a retired school bus driver, who hikes in the Colorado mountains almost every week, is a Master Gardener, and delivers for Meals on Wheels. She is soon to be 80.

3. Priscilla, a retired senior executive for a major corporation, became the state coordinator for a dog rescue organization and saved the lives of countless animals as well as encouraged and consoled many dog owners.

4. Anonymous, a retired public relations director to a major government official, who now teaches knitting to women and girls in a homeless shelter.

5. Chris, a retired nurse, a leader of the Denver Botanic Gardens Herb Guild, a group of volunteers that work in the herb gardens and make many herbal products that are sold in their gift shops.  Each year the guild raises thousands of dollars earmarked for special projects.

I’d love to hear about your heroes.  Won’t you share about them in the comment section.  Thank you.

Copyright – Elizabeth J. Wheeler, July 8, 2020