Ladies of a Certain Age ~ for those invisible powerful, dynamic, vital women

“…The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances.” Martha Washington

It was one of those “Oh my God (OMG) moments, a piece of time in my life that seemed to crystallize.  I can still see and feel that moment some 20 years later.

I was standing in front of the 1940s gas stove in the sunny kitchen of the first house I had bought by myself, a small 1924 bungalow:  a couple of the kitchen walls had been recently wallpapered with a pretty pink and blue floral print; several of the cabinets had glass inserts so that nice-looking dishes and a robin-egg blue paint inside could be admired; and there was a genuine cupboard on one of the walls, replete with a built in breadboard.

The radio was on to my favorite station, KCFR National Public Radio.  I was listening to one of the special programs they broadcast during their fundraising.  It was an interesting commentary by Dr. Bernie Siegel, M.D., a cancer specialist, who had worked with many dying patients. The program was on shortly after the dissolution of my 26-year marriage, and when I was working for the American Cancer Society and had experienced the cancer deaths of many friends and family members, including one of my best friends just that year, my father and both of my grandmothers. 

It was a warm day, one of those days I never dreamed I would be spending in a small kitchen as a recently divorced woman, listening to the radio. It was one of those days I thought I would be playing golf with a beloved husband, talking with him about our three wonderful children, two of whom were still in college and the sumptuous meal I would cook after golf that we would all enjoy in our beautiful big bungalow in the Washington Park area.   But, here I was alone in a cute little kitchen, keenly aware of the choices I had made and the reactions of my family members.

Then, I heard Bernie say “My experience has been that people either die bitter or better, depending on how they have viewed life.”  (I am not sure if this is a direct quote.  It is what I remember.)  He went on to say that all of these patients had chosen how they would react to life and what a difference it made in their life and the lives of their friends and loved ones. www.berniesiegelmd.com

Well, I decided right there and then I was not going to die bitter.  No way.  I would die a “cheerful chick-a-dee.” 

This decision has not always been easy.  I have had to use many “tools in my tool chest,” little suggestions I have learned along the way from many people who have trodden this journey called life.  It has not always been easy.  Some days I get a D+ for effort.  But, I often think of one of my friend’s mother who died a bitter woman.  Actually, she was bitter ever since I met her in the 1960s when she was in her 40s.  Her bitterness seemed to come from comparing herself to her sister-in-law, who had traveled much, and her disappointment in her cantankerous husband’s earning power.  She did not work and I never saw her make any effort to do her own traveling. I did not want to be like that!

Well, this Valentine’s Day, I had to pull out one of those tools out of my toolbox to help me be a cheerful chick-a-dee. For some reason this Valentine’s Day was getting to me.  There were no valentines from any of my children, grandchildren, or a special love interest I have yet to meet.  One could say late Friday afternoon I was thinking about attending a “pity- party.”  Thank goodness I remembered my resolve to be a “cheerful chick-a-dee” and I remembered a tool I had added to my emotional tool chest many years ago when I was a “Mrs.” and got Valentine flowers.  That tool is called “buy yourself gifts!” 

You see I was often disappointed in what my husband had bought me for special occasions until I heard the suggestion to buy yourself gifts.  Once I started doing that, I was just fine and could appreciate his effort.

So, last Friday, off to my local super market I went.  I bought myself a bouquet of my favorite flowers, tulips, a box of dark chocolate cherries, and a piece of heavenly cheesecake.  While at the store, I began to enjoy entertainment in the form of all sizes and shapes and ages of men hurriedly buying flowers.  They looked so funny dashing through the store holding those bouquets in front of them like flashlights to illuminate the dark.  It was both sweet and pathetic at the same time.  I really laughed when I saw that the store had a specially marked fast lane called “Cupid’s Lane.” 

The cheesecake is all gone. The tulips are blooming on my kitchen table and bring a smile to my face whenever I see them.  The chocolate cherries I will savor for days to come. 

My kids never did call, thanking me for the Valentines I sent them; but, I went to bed early Valentine’s Day night and was grateful for what I had and that I knew I was loved.