Ladies of a Certain Age ~ for those invisible powerful, dynamic, vital women

“…….and has been criticized for being tone deaf on constituent concerns………. It’s time for a change in District 1,”    “The Post’s picks for Denver city elections,” “Denver Post,”  April 17, 2015

Wow! Those 19 words just blew me away because I do not ever remember “The Denver Post,” ever being so critical of an incumbent and endorsing the opponent. But, that is exactly what the paper printed. Indeed, City Councilwoman Susan Shepherd lost the May 5 election, gaining only approximately 33 percent of the votes.

Her constituents strongly felt she was not listening to them, particularly because of their concerns with the rapid development happening in her district in north Denver. Some even called her “The darling of developers.”

Tone deaf on constituent concerns is part of the coin I thought. The other part is communication. I have known many people who do not support various positions, but still communicate what’s happening and their thoughts on the issue.

I don’t know if communication would have made any difference in this election. I do know that people feel more valued and appreciated when their concerns are addressed or at least acknowledged directly. (I contacted Susan Shepherd about my concern regarding a very old house that I used to live by. She finally wrote back telling me that her assistant sent an email to the appropriate city department. I did not feel warm and fuzzy after reading that!)

Bosler House – On of Just a Few Colorado Territorial Houses Left

Although communications was the primary focus of all my professional positions, I want you to know I am no expert. After this article grabbed me, I got to thinking about the importance of personal communication. Here are some of the things I thought about.

1. “Be Impeccable with Your Word. The First Agreement,” “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz. This statement stayed with me from the very first time I read it many years ago. Ruiz explains that our word is a force and has the ability to create. I love it when people are direct. I hate it when people “talk out of both sides of their mouths.” I deplore it when people won’t speak up for themselves. Having come from an abusive childhood and marriage, I understand not being explicit or not even speaking at all can save you from many painful consequences. It has been a real challenge for me to learn to speak up for myself now that I don’t live in that environment.“Don’t talk. Don’t feel. Don’t trust.” This is known as the code for addicted, dysfunctional families.   One of my problems growing up was I often did not obey the dictum “Children should be seen, but not heard.” I did get the don’t feel and the don’t trust part very well. But, those feelings did come out as a child and as an adult. They came out “sideways.” I think that is another way of saying screaming and yelling and very, very ineffective communication skills.
2. “Say what you mean. Mean what you say. But, don’t be mean when you say it.” I always think of one particular dear friend when I hear those words. She can explain these sentences so well. I try really hard to do this, particularly with my grown children. I haven’t screamed and yelled for years, but I do stuff very well. It doesn’t help my relationship with them.
3. “Pause when agitated,” is another good statement, and one I continue to work on. When I am really mad or hurt, I try very hard not to say anything until I can calm down. I have found writing about the issue really helps. When I am really, really upset, I write about the event and then I call a close friend and run it past her. When I don’t do these things, I am never successful and have major regrets.
4. “Write the email, save it as a draft, and don’t send for at least 24-hours.” This is a wonderful morsel of wisdom I heard someone in Grand Junction, Colorado say a number of years ago. It has been very helpful to me for several reasons: 1. I get to get my feelings out when I write 2. I get a chance to cool off when I save the message as a draft 3. I get a chance to reconsider my words when I look at the draft again.  Many, many times I have ended up deleting the message.
5. “If you say it more than once, it is nagging!” As a natural promoter, I just knew if I said it just right, my husband/kids/family members/friends would finally understand! It never happened. Now, I am more than happy to clarify my position, when asked, but only when I am asked!

I think it takes a lot of guts and courage to communicate. It’s so much easier to stuff or yell. In the end, when I don’t communicate I don’t “get the vote,” so to speak.